Saturday, October 03, 2009

Sunset Boulevard

When BW woke up in the morning , she knew it had been too real to be a dream. That the place existed and was not just a figment of her imagination.
She had touched those flowers, their sweet fragrance wafting through her, intoxicating her sun kissed body. She had tasted the icy cold water of the brook which bubbled frothily over mossy boulders. And the fact that she had the dream, the very night she moved here, far from everyone, meant that it was a sign.
That place was here somewhere. Waiting. Especially for her.
So she set off immediately after breakfast.
The early morning light had just begun to seep in between the fronds of the trees skirting the lodge.
The proprietor said that there were many springs and brooks in that area, but if she took the straight road through the woods, she would doubtless come across the one her friend had told her about (it was the only story she could come up with) sooner or later.
She found the first one soon enough. But it was obviously not her brook. The flowers were wilted and the water too muddy.
She found a dry patch on the grass and sat down to rest for the walk had tired her out.

And she dreamt of the little girl who had played house with her friends, and who had brought up a new role for herself every time. Doctors, teachers, actors, dancers, she went through each with a comfortable assurance of her own right to them.
New roles, new possibilities and a belief that possibilities were endless and that ability was infinite.
"You can be whatever you choose darling !" and there was nothing holding her back. But it changed the day she went to school when the teacher said " You are too gauche to be a dancer" and her classmates laughed at the idea of her being an actress. "Get real", they said.
Reality was all about imposing limitations.
BW woke up with a start. The sun was in her eyes almost blinding her and she quickly resumed her walk. The next one was prettier and the flowers especially.
The same flowers he always bought for her because they were so "her". The same flowers he was carrying the day she said , " I don't want you to love me for a reason. I want you to love me for all those imperfections which anyone else would find irritating. I want you to love me because of them and not in spite of them. If these flowers remind you of me , why do you get me new ones everyday? Because you do not like them when they are wilted. I would want you to love the flower regardless of the state it is in, regardless of season, love it when it is fresh but equally when it is wilted. "
BW thought wryly that love blooming was a good analogy for a relationship. Yes it blooms. But it also wilts and fades.
The next one was almost but not quite perfect. There was a sharp nip in the air and the water was too deliciously cold for comfort.
Yes comfort, stability was what one wanted. She thought of the choices she had made.
Any risky alternative was abandoned in favor of the slightly more known. Career choices were conventional, opinions if just her own were too risky and had to be ratified by someone else.
There was comfort in letting others make decisions for your life, it was made easier in a society in which it was the "proper" thing to do.
There was comfort in treading paths once trodden by others and not making the same mistakes. In running away from the unknown and untried, in not going against the opinion of others.
When did comfort become cowardice?
Well she would not let it this time. She trudged along.
When she came to the next one she knew instinctively that it was the one. Here at last could she finally be at peace. But there was always the nagging doubt at the end of her mind. What if there was something better, something unimaginably better further on. Shouldn't she at least try?
When should one learn to be satisfied and stop being ambitious?
And the answer came to her as she watched the sun set ushering in the sudden nightfall. It was too late , too late to go further, too late to turn back , too late to change anything.

11 comments:

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Vivek said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
such said...

there has never been a too late in anything, anywhere.Neither has there ever been a deadend.One just have to look around to spot the window that opens when the doors get closed.for they are always there.
Good blog, keep it up.

Hope said...

I agrre with such.. your life is beautiful, dont waste it on suckers..your life is too good to be waisted on such hopeless people..dont worry,life itself punishes people like these,they suffer from thier own agaony and their own life..so go and enjoy the beautiful gift that God has given you..

Good Luck

Unknown said...

Good job. Post can be applied to many different situations, has versatility and clarity ( sorry am used to analyzing writeups like this)
// insert philosophical line here

Namrata Mishra said...

Thnks ppl ! Yea I am intrigued to find that people are applying this to quite a few settings !
And mommy why do u read my blog :O
Vindhya, I will bully u into commenting on all my blogs, please have a template ready :D

LoveMyLife said...

Hi.It was so nice to read your blog...to hear someone raised in India actually admitting to their convetional life choices due to watever reasons and then becoming disillusioned is uplifting..at least the facade is now falling..i lead a tortured life at school due to my non-conformist ideologies and since my move to undergrad in UPenn i've blossomed beyond belief...i'm not the rebel anymore..but the smart..edgy..girl with individuality...i think RISK is the key word you pointed out...i've alwayssss taken them...be it for my career...i'm studying philosophy btw :)...my love life...my art...evrything that was looked down upon in school back home...and now i'm leading my life based solely on my choices risks...and i lovee it..non-conformist..unconventional..i live with the love of my life..a no-no in India..i work part time..i study...i dance..i sing..it's a dream..u dont sound very old..probably my age 20 or so...m SUREEEEE U CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE..TAKE SOME RISKS..BE BOLD AND JUST JUMP IN...the water may be cold but when u rush up for air...you'll be all the more greatful...:):)good luck..
admitting is the hardest step and you've done that..

Vivek said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Naveen said...

hmmmm...I would say "excellent"...never seen such a poetic way of presenting the issues. I kept on reflecting on this and the issues raised by you sound “genuine” and at least help arrange a self sympathy and helplessness. However, I wonder, if all this is not the “one and only one” fate with everyone? As we grow up, we learn life through “relativity”, through our experiences and through other’s experiences. Anything which is not “absolute” will hurt human soul but can we have such an absolute intelligence ex-ante? I find no solution to all this... The more I think, the more helpless I feel and end up with the same resignation - It is now too late...there is no way to get out of this and all the solutions given by optimists sound too helicopterish....anyways...thanks for such a nice post which touches the soul...

mithilesh said...

Udhedbun

Bhashkar said...

Just amazing! This post touched me at so many places (in the correct sense of the phrase :P whatever that might be) :)

Anyways, this is ever-so-dilemma-tic situation which most Indian students have to face. And very few of us are lucky to be in a situation where we can actually follow our bliss.

Very recently (read:today) I was introduced to your blog and really liked the mature and philosophical way you write in. Although, some of the stuff might require more than a single read to be comprehended.