Saturday, March 22, 2008
Can music save your mortal soul
Can thoughts be orchestrated?
The noise was loud, deafening , piercing right through her ear drums to head throbbing sonicity. It lashed out relentlessly, mercilessly. She would not stop it. She could not. It was after all her own music.
There were moments when she could manage to turn it off for a brief respite, and others when she could turn it down, when the strains were lower, softer and if you listened hard you could almost hear the rudiments of a piece which was once joyous , brilliant, and there were other moments, though few and far between when the song would burst forth into a crescendo, a medley of desires, and at moments like these she would smile such that her eyes crinkled at the corners, she would talk such that there was a promise of sunshine and she would sing along.
But sometimes the music was frighteningly loud, jarring, shattering hopes, eroding convictions, tearing to shreds all measures of normalcy, the notes dark and foreboding, casting a shadow over her face. In such times she would be wary, her eyes would reflect the sounds of the music and they would shift warily, uneasily and if she were lucky she would manage to shut them and drown herself in that disturbed melody.
And sometimes she would slowly find herself even enjoying it, she would deceive herself into understanding it, she would find comfort in the words and a sense of familiarity in the music. And these were the most frightening, when she would find herself slipping into the cacophony , the music taking hold of her and she letting herself be sucked in .
These were the most intriguing, cause when she returned she would often not recognize herself.
The noise was loud, deafening , piercing right through her ear drums to head throbbing sonicity. It lashed out relentlessly, mercilessly. She would not stop it. She could not. It was after all her own music.
There were moments when she could manage to turn it off for a brief respite, and others when she could turn it down, when the strains were lower, softer and if you listened hard you could almost hear the rudiments of a piece which was once joyous , brilliant, and there were other moments, though few and far between when the song would burst forth into a crescendo, a medley of desires, and at moments like these she would smile such that her eyes crinkled at the corners, she would talk such that there was a promise of sunshine and she would sing along.
But sometimes the music was frighteningly loud, jarring, shattering hopes, eroding convictions, tearing to shreds all measures of normalcy, the notes dark and foreboding, casting a shadow over her face. In such times she would be wary, her eyes would reflect the sounds of the music and they would shift warily, uneasily and if she were lucky she would manage to shut them and drown herself in that disturbed melody.
And sometimes she would slowly find herself even enjoying it, she would deceive herself into understanding it, she would find comfort in the words and a sense of familiarity in the music. And these were the most frightening, when she would find herself slipping into the cacophony , the music taking hold of her and she letting herself be sucked in .
These were the most intriguing, cause when she returned she would often not recognize herself.
Monday, March 03, 2008
My own version of the random walk theory..
I looked to the books for inspiration..they were strewn around...but I was listless and fidgety..movies did not help..introspection was a scary thought....at least right now ....A lot has happened and more will follow....I guess someone needs to record it..for later when I am old and less wise..I can look back dispassionately and find patterns..I can look back unemotionally..for that pretty pink thread....I can look back with indulgence and laugh at my naivety..I can make a jigsaw where this piece fits perfectly...
As an aside...I have been told I have a good memory..I can recite passages of Shakespeare verbatim.. I read those some 8 years back...I can remember random poems..word from word..lyrics of all songs I have ever heard...I can tell you about Greek and Roman mythology..and all through my MBA career I was wishing I could exchange this for something more practical..something which would make me less of a misfit in the business world..So when today, in a class I am taking..when the professor recited my favorite passages from "Ulysses" verbatim..I found myself reciting along ...when the discussion veered to Greek mythology..I found myself smiling..there is still hope I find..
Forward to the past..
I have mentioned before that when I become too aware of the fact that people read this blog..I feel stifled and cant express enough..but given my hiatus..I think the possibility is pretty microscopic...so I'll tell myself that no one is reading this..
So what happened between the last time I updated this post and now.?? Lots actually. It all started with the Mck shortlist n then BCG n then ATK n then Diamond, HUL....I just had to send in my resume..and my name would be there on the shortlist...bizarre..eyebrows were raised..tactics were questioned..resumes were demanded..with a GMAT of 760, a job ex at Oracle, and a batch topping CG frm BITS..I still went around offering explanations...hating myself for it..so neway I was lulled into a false sense of security...though I was still as confused as ever...but started consulting prep...n then the bubble burst..5 companies on day 0..n none worked out..no applications for the subsequent days..since I hadn't made any!!!
Looking back now I can think of a million reasons of what went wrong and why this happened and why that did not happen..but it really does not matter...but an experience like this shakes you up..You come with a set of notions and values..u are forced to change it given the circumstances..u embrace the new set of values eagerly..there is a lot at stake you think...u go through the motions sincerely..so sincerely that the line is blurred and wht u were no longer exists...at least u can no longer remember it...since there is a new story being spun..and you have been selected as one of the actors..but the story is too powerful..or you are too impressionable..
And just when the line completely fades..is this last minute change to the script..and u are forced to return to what u were before..to the person u were so willing to forget..to either return..or to seek a new part..a new play..one which feels more right..one which does not demand compliance..though the old story does make u question ur abilities and wonder when was it that u started acting..was it just the previous story..or did it go further back than that..do u question the person u are based on the 30 min verdict of 5 people ?? I don't know..I'll never know..
But anyway I managed to push in my resume to one of the firms on campus..who were kind enough to interview me and so I do have a job..But neway enough of my diary
After a void so long when u do sit down to write, u tend to look for inspiration..since ur unsure..
I had a couple of completely random interview experiences....
One walk-in
Interviewer: So whats ur fathers name
Me: blah blah
Interviewer: Mother, sisters, dog!!
Me: blah blah, blah!!!!
Interviewer: Are you married?
Me : (furious) blah blah@^$#^
Interviewer: Have you found someone??
Me :(faints)
Another:
After the usual family tree had been sketched out
Interviewer: So tell me about an ethical dilemma
Me: (well rehearsed)blah blah, blah!!!!
Interviewer: Ahh so Oracle..so what ethical issues did you face there?
Me : (slightly shaky now) blah blah(unconvincing)
Interviewer: Ahh so teams..tell me about an ethical issue you sorted out
Me : (checking the job description to confirm that I was not interviewing as an HR to a nunnery) blah blah(weakly)
Term 8 promises to be relaxing..and I have been busy..watched No Man's land...everyone should see it..and then watched Jodha Akbar n Welcome..about the latter..it was as traumatic an experience as my interviews but Jodha was different..trying to pass of a very average old-bollywoodish-vapid-histrionicsish love story under the garb of a period film..well people can see through it, and add to that an Akbar more concerned about his biceps than his subjects, a simpering Jodha Bai who dons some crouching-tiger-hidden-dragonish get up to seduce and simper when not ogling at a six pack Akbar or screeching an extremely tuneless Bhajan to disrupt the few instances when Akbar tries to rule..the music tried to save the film..but quelled under the combined influence of the Bhai Jaan and his rasping histrionics and Akbar's futile taming the elephant stunts and a very Troy inspired duel.
As an aside...I have been told I have a good memory..I can recite passages of Shakespeare verbatim.. I read those some 8 years back...I can remember random poems..word from word..lyrics of all songs I have ever heard...I can tell you about Greek and Roman mythology..and all through my MBA career I was wishing I could exchange this for something more practical..something which would make me less of a misfit in the business world..So when today, in a class I am taking..when the professor recited my favorite passages from "Ulysses" verbatim..I found myself reciting along ...when the discussion veered to Greek mythology..I found myself smiling..there is still hope I find..
Forward to the past..
I have mentioned before that when I become too aware of the fact that people read this blog..I feel stifled and cant express enough..but given my hiatus..I think the possibility is pretty microscopic...so I'll tell myself that no one is reading this..
So what happened between the last time I updated this post and now.?? Lots actually. It all started with the Mck shortlist n then BCG n then ATK n then Diamond, HUL....I just had to send in my resume..and my name would be there on the shortlist...bizarre..eyebrows were raised..tactics were questioned..resumes were demanded..with a GMAT of 760, a job ex at Oracle, and a batch topping CG frm BITS..I still went around offering explanations...hating myself for it..so neway I was lulled into a false sense of security...though I was still as confused as ever...but started consulting prep...n then the bubble burst..5 companies on day 0..n none worked out..no applications for the subsequent days..since I hadn't made any!!!
Looking back now I can think of a million reasons of what went wrong and why this happened and why that did not happen..but it really does not matter...but an experience like this shakes you up..You come with a set of notions and values..u are forced to change it given the circumstances..u embrace the new set of values eagerly..there is a lot at stake you think...u go through the motions sincerely..so sincerely that the line is blurred and wht u were no longer exists...at least u can no longer remember it...since there is a new story being spun..and you have been selected as one of the actors..but the story is too powerful..or you are too impressionable..
And just when the line completely fades..is this last minute change to the script..and u are forced to return to what u were before..to the person u were so willing to forget..to either return..or to seek a new part..a new play..one which feels more right..one which does not demand compliance..though the old story does make u question ur abilities and wonder when was it that u started acting..was it just the previous story..or did it go further back than that..do u question the person u are based on the 30 min verdict of 5 people ?? I don't know..I'll never know..
But anyway I managed to push in my resume to one of the firms on campus..who were kind enough to interview me and so I do have a job..But neway enough of my diary
After a void so long when u do sit down to write, u tend to look for inspiration..since ur unsure..
I had a couple of completely random interview experiences....
One walk-in
Interviewer: So whats ur fathers name
Me: blah blah
Interviewer: Mother, sisters, dog!!
Me: blah blah, blah!!!!
Interviewer: Are you married?
Me : (furious) blah blah@^$#^
Interviewer: Have you found someone??
Me :(faints)
Another:
After the usual family tree had been sketched out
Interviewer: So tell me about an ethical dilemma
Me: (well rehearsed)blah blah, blah!!!!
Interviewer: Ahh so Oracle..so what ethical issues did you face there?
Me : (slightly shaky now) blah blah(unconvincing)
Interviewer: Ahh so teams..tell me about an ethical issue you sorted out
Me : (checking the job description to confirm that I was not interviewing as an HR to a nunnery) blah blah(weakly)
Term 8 promises to be relaxing..and I have been busy..watched No Man's land...everyone should see it..and then watched Jodha Akbar n Welcome..about the latter..it was as traumatic an experience as my interviews but Jodha was different..trying to pass of a very average old-bollywoodish-vapid-histrionicsish love story under the garb of a period film..well people can see through it, and add to that an Akbar more concerned about his biceps than his subjects, a simpering Jodha Bai who dons some crouching-tiger-hidden-dragonish get up to seduce and simper when not ogling at a six pack Akbar or screeching an extremely tuneless Bhajan to disrupt the few instances when Akbar tries to rule..the music tried to save the film..but quelled under the combined influence of the Bhai Jaan and his rasping histrionics and Akbar's futile taming the elephant stunts and a very Troy inspired duel.
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